I S T A Y F A D E D

THEORY: Kanye West thinks that the mall is the epitome of class.
I think that because: he says so.

In this year’s single “All Day,” West boasted that everything in his entire existence is motivated by performing activities for an entire day.

ACTUAL LYRICS:
How long you n!gg@s ball? All day, n!gg@…
How much time you spent at the mall? All day, n!gg@…

KANYE1

PROOF: If given his druthers Kanye West would spend entire days at The Mall.


 

In his duet with Jay-Z “N!gg@s in Paris” (Watch the Throne), Kanye bleats out:

She said, “‘Ye, can we get married at the malllllllllllllllllllllllll?”
… Come and meet me in the bathroom stalll
and show me why you deserve to have it alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll!

*In this lyric, “hav(ing) it all” = getting married at The Mall. 

PROOF: Kanye West thinks a woman’s dream is to get married at The Mall.


 

Kanye’s not the only one.

In “Wesley’s Theory” Kendrick Lamar ponders the big questions – asking:

What you want? You a house or a car?
Forty acres and a mule, a piano, a guitar?

Motherfucker, you can live at the mall

Here, Lamar considers prizes and gifts and dreams of the day he could live at The Mall.

KENDRICK

E-40 and Too Short Tip Their Hat to All-Day Mall-ery
SONG: “Rapper’s Ball”

Say that you got it all, love the way you players ball
Everyday you’re at the mall, tell me is it true or false?

These two aren’t even sure if said players are actually at the mall everyday.

And they search still for confirmation: tell me if it’s true or false Too Short cries out!

 

Wait, but the shirt you’re wearing is for YOUR band!

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Yeah but what I’m saying is that YOU’RE IN Metallica… and you’re wearing a Metallica shirt. See what I mean?
CHECK BACK WITH US FOR THE LEAK!!!… METALLICA DISS TRACK VERSUS SLAYER … SAYS THEY DON’T WRITE THEIR OWN SOLOS…  SLAYER TAKES TO TWITTER TO TALK SHIT … AND YOU’LL NEVER GUESS HOW THEIR WIVES REACTED… DRAMA SMDH!!

REMEMBER THE 90’S FEMALE RAPPER LADY D? WELL, BITCH GAINED SOME WEIGHT THIS SUMMER… SHE GOT HELLA FAT NOW SHE TALKIN ABOUT ‘I HAVE A THYROID ISSUE’ … BIH PLEASE, YOUR THYROID HAS DIABETES…SMDH!!

I Am The Tumblr: It’s STILL funny when people fall

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I’m writing this to tell you about something called Internet Karma.

To start with you have to know that I’ve been posting photos and GIFs of people falling and hurting themselves onto a Tumblr page because it’s a really fun thing to do.

My interest in Falling Humor really started back in high school, where me and my buddies spent about 70% of the time laughing… very loudly. Screeching, running, dancing and pointing. At people. We really laughed when someone fell. I don’t laugh explosively too much anymore, because being a grown-up is full of sadness.

I wish I did laugh like that. And why did I stop laughing just because I graduated from high school?

So I created a Tumblr account to try and re-capture that joy.

I posted a GIF of a kid on a unicycle who falls face-first into a pile of dung; a mother pouring Wal-Mart canola oil onto the floor of her kitchen, sending her son flying into the front of the oven, smashing the glass. Multiple escalator-falls.

One of the most popular entries depicts a young lady falling face-first into a rock-hard beach after dropping from a rope swing.

And so it was a couple of Sundays ago that I sat with a friend and watched her fall over and over, looping and looping infinitely. He turned to me and said

“It’s only a matter of time till YOU fall.
You’re going to hurt yourself because of this website.
It’s Internet Karma.”

Cut to: A few hours later. A lakefront. Afternoon.

While going off the rope swing, I tore my pectoral muscle and it hurt like a bastard.

I deserved it,
That’s blood that drained out of my chest into my arm. I deserved it, I DESERVED IT!!

The first thing I did was put ice on it and cry a little in the bathroom but after that I put a notice on the Tumblr page announcing the incident and the end of the campaign.

It was the right thing to do.

THIS SITE IS SHUT DOWN FOR REASONS OF KARMA says the headline.

Please learn from my mistake and stay positive when you’re online. Laughing is fun, but only when it’s directed at other people.

Let’s keep it clean out there.

LOVE, WILL